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Tuesday, June 06, 2006 A script I started writing a script inspired by one I read the other day. Here is the intro. INT – JG’s bedroom Jon, sitting center, looks up at his father. We can only see the back of his head. Jon’s Father Jon, your mother and I have talked it over and we’ve decided that instead of sending you to Englewood High, you’ll be going to St. Francis. Jon The catholic school? Jon’s father What? It’s the best school in the county. It’s ranked very impressively state wide as well. Don’t worry you’ll have a fine time. Now – your mother is preparing dinner, wash your hands and come downstairs. Jon’s father exits, shot remains static, centered on Jon. Jon Holy shit. TITLE: Gods and Gentiles Music: a catholic hymn, perhaps Gloria In Excelsis Deo EXT – Jon’s walking to school Jon (to camera) We should start off with a little background. In the beginning… Montage and action narrated by Jon. All characters speak with Jon’s voice. Jon (cont’d) There was a grand nothingness. Having grown bored with black always being the new black, God took a few days and created the cosmos. A little star dust, a splash of color, and a couple of naked folks later, and he called it a day. God Ok, back to my sitcoms. Jon (v/o) Thus the human race came into existence. Voila. But Adam and Eve may not have been as up to spec as God would have liked because they broke the only rule he gave them. God What? The buffet wasn’t good enough? You needed more fiber in your diet? Just ask, I create things! It’s what I do! You wanna be so independent? Fine, take your leaves and get out of my yard. Adam and Eve exit. Jon (v/o) So in one fell sweep, God banishes Adam and Eve and creates guilt as well. Adam and Ever then went on to multiply like the stars. Adam (to Eve) You’re pregnant again? That’s like our 4,000 kid. How am I going to send them all to college? Jon (v/o) And their progeny spread over the land, starting wars, establishing tribes, and getting into a whole mess of trouble. Everywhere you went, new gods. The god of hair, the god of shoelaces, the god of pancakes. Everyone was god and idol crazy, until a young boy named Abraham came along and got fed up. Abraham It’s all too much! I can’t take it! Jon (v/o) So he destroyed all of his father’s idols and proclaimed… Abraham There is no God but God! Jon (v/o) Smart kid, that Abraham, he was really on to something. Started a whole movement that one. Fast forward some time and Abraham gets married to Sarah. Sadly, they are without kin. Abraham (in bed, to sarah) This was so easy for Adam and Eve. Jon (v/o) So Abraham did what he knew how to do and prayed to God. Abraham Oh lord, won’t you grant us a child? Jon (v/o) Now that God had some time on his hand, what with All My Deities now canceled when Abraham destroyed those idols, God decided to answer his prayer. Unfortunately, he didn’t act quickly enough for Sarah, who told Abraham to go do it with their servant Hagar. Sarah I won’t watch. Jon (v/o) So Abraham does the deed and Hagar has a son, Ishmael. Hagar (pulling child from OC) Ta-da! Jon (v/o) This was about the time God got Abraham’s message. Answering machine: You have one trillion messages…six billion and one. (Abraham’s voice) Oh Lord, won’t you grant us a child? God: Huh. (looking down and seeing Hagar, Ishmael, Abraham, and Sarah) Did I do that already? Hmmm…better put another bun in the oven just to be sure. Sarah (now with child, to her surprise) Whoa! Thank you God! Well, no need for you two. (To Hagar and baby) Be gone! Jon (v/o) So in one of the less bright moves of eternity, Abraham kicks out Hagar and Ishmael, leading to the great divide between Jews and Muslims. Now, craving some melodrama, God tells Abraham… God You know what Abe, I’m not too sure you really appreciate this baby and truly love me. Sacrifice your son to me. Jon v/o Now Abraham, he’s distraught. Abraham My son! Oy! Jon v/o But what can you do? It’s God, you know? So Abraham takes Isaac up the mountain and is all ready to strike when God sends down an Angel to say… Angel Smile! You’re on Candid Camera! Thanks for playing along; you’ve been great. Now, slaughter this goat, I’m famished. Jon v/o So Abraham wipes the sweat off his brow, says… Abraham Whew! You really had me going. Good one big guy! Jon v/o And he let’s a very relieved, but very traumatized Isaac go free. Not being one to let an opportunity for a twist ending slip by, God tells Abraham… God You know, I’m still not feeling your heart it totally in this. You need some skin in this game. I’ve got it! Circumcise yourself and your son! Abraham Circum-what? (Angel leans over and whispers in his year) What! Can’t I just kill him instead? Jon v/o After some serious hesitation, Abraham brings Isaac’s trauma to a whole new level and circumcises them both, thus beginning a long line of intense traumas experienced by Jews, leading them to become the most neurotic people on the planet. Isaac (lying on a psychiatrist’s couch, woodie allen accent) First, my father is going to kill me, but instead he just cuts off my foreskin! And my mother just wanted to know why I got blood on my shoes! Jon v/o Fast forward a few hundred years, and the children of Isaac are enslaved in Egypt. If you want to know the back-story, just go see Joseph and the Technicolor Dream Coat. A snippet of the musical is shown, concluding with a finale pose. Jon (cont’d) Really, it’s quite smashing. Anyway, after a rash of prayers for freedom from enslaved Jews… God’s answering Machine Let us go…save us…ouch! Please, enough with the whipping… Please, for the love of everything that is holy, would you just get us out of here already? Jon v/o God, with one of his more psychedelic displays of power, tells Moses to free the Jews. Burning bush (to Moses) Tell Pharaoh to free the Jews! (Moses looks down at what he’s drinking, smiles, and chugs the rest) Jon v/o So Moses and his brother go to the Pharaoh and say, in two part harmony… Moses and his Brother (singing) Let my people go! Moses I am sent by the one called I Am! Jon v/o The ‘I Am’ bit just confused Pharaoh, so he told Moses to scram. Not one to be snubbed, God rained down some toads, destroyed some crops, killed all the first born Egyptian males, really making a mess of Cairo until that uppity Pharaoh said… Pharaoh All right! Sheesh! You’re free! Get out! Jon v/o So Moses led the Jews out of Egypt and through the desert for 40 very long years. Jewish Lady #1 Moses, for crying out loud, just ask directions! Moses I know where I’m going! (to his brother) For real, where the hell are we? Jon v/o Eventually, they come upon Mt. Sinai and Moses goes up the hill, chats with God, and gets the Ten Commandments. God I’ve been working on them for some time. I think you’ll like what I’ve done. Moses (reading the commandments) I am the Lord your God, Do not have any other gods before Me. Really, you don’t say… Jon v/o Two days later, Moses comes down the mountain only to find his people worshiping a golden calf. Moses What the hell! We’ve been in the desert 40 frickin’ years, you couldn’t wait two more days?!? Fuck this! (Moses chucks the ten commandments over his shoulder, walks OC, then comes back on and looks at the shattered tablets) Oh shit. Jon v/o So Moses walks back up the mountain to carve the commandments again. Moses (carving) Sabbath has two B’s, right? Jon v/o After that, everyone but Moses gets to go into the holy land. Moses (looking at a sign saying “Welcome everyone! Except you, Moses” What the fuck? Fuck this! (tosses down commandments again and walks OC) Jon v/o Fast forward through some more wars, the Romans, the Christians, the Muslims, and some Mel Brooks films and you basically have the history of the Jews. Jon comes back on camera, church bells ring as he walks up the steps of the Church Jon That’s my song. Time to get to class. Spectacles, testicles, wallet, watch. (crosses himself sarcastically and makes the sign of the cross, then tucks the star of David around his neck into his shirt) posted by ezruh sellof at 7:43 PM 1 comments |
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You goofball...well written, sufficiently punny, and generally entertaining...and HAPPY BIRTHDAY in 3 days!
Ira
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